I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
