Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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