Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
