bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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