We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
