Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
