she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
