When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
