i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
