she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I got inside last night via doggy door
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
