so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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