Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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