Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
