I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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