I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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