GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
