please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
not ubering you a puppy
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
