he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
