so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
