Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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