chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Can I color on your dick again?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
