i'm signing you up for texting rehab
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
