I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
