Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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