half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
