and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
