I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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