Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
