I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
