I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
