I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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