i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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