God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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