Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
are you so shy because you have an std?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
