I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
