How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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