I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
