I'm passing your future prison.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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