Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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