I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
