dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
