Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
