Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
