I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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