Your dad touched me again.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
