oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
