$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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