Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
