Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
