from now on my penis is your penis
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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