I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
